bigtips
My partner's new job as a stripper makes me nervous
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone Dear Big Tipper,
This feels weird, because I want to be relaxed about this, but I'm unexpectedly uncomfortable. My partner and I are both in graduate school, and understandably short of money. Her recent solution to this has been to strip at a peep show downtown. She's a beautiful woman, so getting the job was no problem, and I have no moral objections to sex work: We have other friends who have worked as strippers and prodoms.
Oddly, though, I feel unhappy about her choice, and sometimes I fear for her safety, even though I know she can take care of herself. I've thought about this a lot, and don't think my issue is disguised jealousy. I've even thought it might be a fun job to do, but I'm not the kind of person who could get a job like that.
We traditionally are very relaxed about each other's choices, so there's no precedent for me asking her not to do this, and I don't think I feel quite that strongly to make such a strident demand. Why am I being an idiot?
Dear She's Taking Off For Work,
Put it On
The more you love someone, the more *you worry about her. You want her to be physically and emotionally safe and to be happy.
Is the club in a seedy neighborhood? Is she going to or getting off work at weird hours of the night? She'll probably be making quite a bit of money, so make sure she allots part of that for cabs to and from work.
Are you worried that the management is sleazy, and will pressure her to do things she doesn't want to do? Make sure you both know what she's willing to do for the job. She sounds like a courageous character: I'm sure she'd be brave enough to quit and look somewhere else if it turned out to be a bad situation.
You say you're not the kind of person who could get a job like this: do you feel shut out of this part of her life? Are you afraid she won't think you're sexy enough any more? Are you worried that she'll be making more money than you are, and it will make you feel unequal in the relationship? That's not about the job itself, that's about those separate issues.
You're both in graduate school, so this can't help but be a transitional time in your life. This probably won't be the final career she has. Meanwhile, help her stay physically safe, and make sure she knows that you support what she chooses to do, but that it would be fine if she needed to not do it, also. Then work hard at school, and focus on where you'll be a year or two from now. And maybe it's time to find a job that's more interesting or lucrative for you, too. Good luck.
Dear Big Tipper,
stress over a situation, which is that I'm considered a bad driver by everyone I know. I didn't go to driving school or have driver's ed in high school, because they didn't have it at my school, but my father taught me to drive, and I passed my test with no problems almost five years ago.
I've never owned a car, but have rented them and borrowed friends' cars, and now I use my lover's pretty frequently. When I'm by myself, I do just fine, and only occasionally notice something that I've done, like be in the wrong lane to turn, for example.
BIG TIPS
When I'm driving other people, though, I get nervous, because I'm paranoid about them freaking out about my driving, which then makes me an extra nervous driver. I also have a hard time talking and paying attention, so that's hard with other people in the car. And my lover hates the way I shift gears.
So, the problem is that I'm embarrassed about my driving, even though I don't really understand what's so different about it from the way other people drive, so I don't know what to change. If I try to be cautious, I'm too slow. If I try to be confident, I'm perceived as reckless. I've never been in an accident, or gotten any sort of ticket, even parking, while all of my friends have.
I feel guilty always letting them drive because we should share, but I can't take the stress of their stress. This is hard for a guy. It seems like one more guy thing I'm not good at. What can I do?
Dear Driven to Tears,
Undesignated Driver
If everyone who drives with you is uncomfortable, you probably are a poor driver, and if you don't know what you're doing wrong, it'll be hard to fix. You could go sign up for driving school or get an automatic, which might help, but let's think out of the box.
You know how to drive, and drive a stick, which are critical skills in case there's an emergency and you need to drive someone to the hospital, or help someone get their car out of a ditch, or all of your companions are drunk. Other than that, why don't you just let this one go? It doesn't sound like you love to drive, so you shouldn't miss it.
There are tons of things you can do to be "even" with your pals for the rides they give you, and I'm sure your partner wouldn't mind being the household driver if you always did something else in return. It's easier to remove the stressor than retrain yourself to deal with it. And frankly, one less driver is no harm to the world.
You don't need to drive to be butch. Get a crewcut. Go build something. Scratch yourself. And remember, it's cooler to ride shotgun than to be all over the curb when you park.
Meanwhile, if you have to drive, wear your seat belt.
Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail
I'm suffering because of a great deal of @drizzle.com.
Call us! Let us help you design the
cake of your dreams.
Sweet
Arts
THE CREATIVE CAKE PEOPLE
▾ All Occasion Cakes
to
Cleveland's Classic Cheesecake Commitment Cakes Assorted Pastries
All By Special Order 216/476-CAKE
17008 Lorain Avenue, Near Kamm's Corners
martone
March 2 2001 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
BIG FUN
VOTED CLEVELAND'S BEST TOYSTORE!
1827 COVENTRY RD. ★ CLEVELAND HTS. OH 44118 ★ 216-377-4FUN (4386)
THRILLS
COOL T-SHIRTS
★ CRAZY POSTCARDS
60'S & 70'S JUNK AND STUFF
★ BLACK & WHITE PHOTO BOOTH
WE BUY OLD TOYS!
MALL PRICES!
CHIROPRACTIC
HEALTH
SERVICES
DAVID A. BUDNY, D.C.
16900 DETROIT AVE LAKEWOOD, OHIO 44107 (216) 228-6622
Dedicated to your wellness
Not Feeling Yourself?
Nova Behavioral Health, Inc.
offers affirming behavioral health services to all people including gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgendered people.
• In Canton (330) 455-9407
• In Massillon (330) 833-4132
• In Alliance (330) 821-1995
Medicaid Accepted Fee Discounts available All Services Confidential
Exciting new advances in the treatment of unwanted hair
LASER HAIR
REMOVAL
for men and women
The Results are Amazing
Now you can experience the luxury of smoother skin through a series of treatments with our Laser Hair Removal.
To schedule a consultation or for more information call
Michael H. Wojtanowski, M.D. Ohio Clinic for Aesthetic and Plastic Surgery 30400 Detroit Road, Westlake, Ohio 44145 440.808.9315
Ohio Clinic for Aesthetic and Plastic Surgery